- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
It’s your dog speaking
1. Blaming your farts on me….. not funny… not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for ‘the big snip’, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven’t you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who’s boss here! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?