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1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I

4. Texas
My friend always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing .

11. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

  1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  5. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  6. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  10. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  12. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  13. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  14. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  15. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  16. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  17. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
  18. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  19. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

  1. Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
  2. Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
  3. My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
  4. Do you have a library card? Cuz I’d like to sign you out.
  5. Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
  6. If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
  7. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
  8. Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’
    Woman – ‘WHAT?’
    Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’
  9. I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
  10. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room…
  11. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
  12. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND .. the best for last!
  13. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?
She was bobbing for french fries.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side of her face?
They called back.

Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?
Her dog was blind too.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.

How did she burn her fingers?
Reading the waffle iron

What did she do when she fell down the well?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens

Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
Wind it up and it walks into walls.

What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?
Helen Keller moaning

Who is the cruelest man in the world?
The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t
scream for help.
Click here to read more Helen Keller jokes »

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