FAIL Fun

It’s your dog speaking

1. Blaming your farts on me….. not funny… not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for ‘the big snip’, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven’t you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who’s boss here! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?

If you’re sitting next to someone on a plane who irritates you, try doing this:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up.
4. Make sure the fellow traveler who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
6. Then click here.

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
• Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A man was driving down a old highway out in the middle of nowhere that he’d never been down before. There was nothing on the side of the road, nothing in the distance really, nothing worth mentioning anywhere.

Finally, however, he came upon a sign. It said “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 15 miles.”

After passing it, he shook his head. ‘Must’ve been my mind playing tricks on me.’ But then he saw another sign. “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 10 miles.”

The man blinked and shrugged. It must be a real place. Another sign, “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 5 miles.”

By this time the guy’s been thinking about it and he’s getting horny, so when he sees a sign that says “St. Mary’s, turn here” along with a road leading off the highway he takes it.

He drives for a few minutes, then goes over a hill, and down on the other side of the hill is this huge, gorgeous cathedral. Lovely Victorian design, statuary, stained glass windows, the works. He pulls into the large parking lot and gets out, heading up to the front door.

After he knocks for a minute, the door opens and a older nun sticks her head out the front door. “Yes?” The man grins. “I was driving down the road and saw the signs for your chapel, and I was hoping to partake of your… services?” The nun smiles and nods. “Aaah. Yes, please, follow me, my son.”

The nun opens the door for him to enter, and then they spend 20 minutes walking through the cathedral, down through the bunks, the prayer rooms, the kitchen, past other nuns who smile and keep walking, back and forth and up and down and all over and just when the guy is completely lost by this point she stops in front of a door, and holds out an offering plate. “Place $200 into the plate, then close your eyes. I’ll open the door and close it behind you, then you can open your eyes and you’ll be there.”

By this point the guy’s horny as hell, so he places the $200 into the plate and closes his eyes. He hears the door open, and walks forward through the door, which he hears close and lock behind him. He opens his eyes, and he’s back outside in the parking lot. In front of him is a small sign: “You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Saint Mary’s. God bless you.”

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer. “You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, “May I help you?” she says. The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.”