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Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee.  Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of limewire.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out.

19. While you’ve got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven’t started either.

26. Look through your housemate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am – start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.  On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Boss: Jesse!

Me: Sorry boss, fell asleep.

Boss: I got up to get coffee, that’s an absurd amount of time to fall asleep in. Did you get my mail yet?

Me: Yea boss, got it in .2 seconds!

Boss: I asked for this 20 minutes ago.

Me: That’s improbable.

Boss: It happened. This is all my mail?

Me: Results 1-5. Here, give me those back and I’ll show you the next 5.

Boss: I’d like to just look at them all at the same time. And please stop playing with that hourglass.

Me: Sorry.

Boss: Also, I see you didn’t print the memo I asked you to.

Me: Yea about that…Are you sure you want to print it?

Boss: Wholly and completely.

Me: Okay it’s just that…you didn’t use real words. Look at this one.

Boss: That’s my name.

Me: Right, here we go then. Hold on it appears you’re not connected to the internet.

Boss: What? Here, let me…

Me: Hey your network configuration has changed!

Boss: Thank you, that was me changing it manually. Listen, when you’re done printing can you find “gr-

Me: “granny trannie panties?”

Boss: …”green computing solutions.” That must be left over from your old boss, I’m gonna need you to forget everything he ever asked of you. Can you do that?

Me: …

Boss: Jesse? Jesse put the hourglass down. Okay this isn’t working out. You’re unresponsive; I’m going to have to-

Me: You can’t fire me! (storms out of office)

Secretary: Sir, Jesse quit unexpectedly.


Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: ‘John, don’t worry about it.
You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, John.’

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, ‘John you’re a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.’

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asks.
‘I have a case of anal glaucoma,’ she says in a weak voice.
‘What the hell is anal glaucoma?’
‘I can’t see my ass coming in to work today.

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