160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Via Bits & Pieces

Me: Sorry boss, fell asleep.

Boss: I got up to get coffee, that’s an absurd amount of time to fall asleep in. Did you get my mail yet?

Me: Yea boss, got it in .2 seconds!

Boss: I asked for this 20 minutes ago.

Me: That’s improbable.

Boss: It happened. This is all my mail?

Me: Results 1-5. Here, give me those back and I’ll show you the next 5.

Boss: I’d like to just look at them all at the same time. And please stop playing with that hourglass.

Me: Sorry.

Boss: Also, I see you didn’t print the memo I asked you to.

Me: Yea about that…Are you sure you want to print it?

Boss: Wholly and completely.

Me: Okay it’s just that…you didn’t use real words. Look at this one.

Boss: That’s my name.

Me: Right, here we go then. Hold on it appears you’re not connected to the internet.

Boss: What? Here, let me…

Me: Hey your network configuration has changed!

Boss: Thank you, that was me changing it manually. Listen, when you’re done printing can you find “gr-

Me: “granny trannie panties?”

Boss: …”green computing solutions.” That must be left over from your old boss, I’m gonna need you to forget everything he ever asked of you. Can you do that?

Me: …

Boss: Jesse? Jesse put the hourglass down. Okay this isn’t working out. You’re unresponsive; I’m going to have to-

Me: You can’t fire me! (storms out of office)

Secretary: Sir, Jesse quit unexpectedly.

From: Break.com

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5.. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open,
was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work..
Play golf.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: ‘John, don’t worry about it.
You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, John.’

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, ‘John you’re a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.’

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee.  Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of limewire.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out.

19. While you’ve got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven’t started either.

26. Look through your housemate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am – start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asks.
‘I have a case of anal glaucoma,’ she says in a weak voice.
‘What the hell is anal glaucoma?’
‘I can’t see my ass coming in to work today.

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no
family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery
in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to
be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I
became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for
directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the
backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse
was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and
stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault
lid already in place.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.  On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Ed, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cock pit.”

“It’s the Box office.”