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Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

  • It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
  • One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
  • The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
  • Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
  • A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
  • There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
  • Women blink twice as often as men.
  • The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
  • Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
  • If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
  • Women reading this will be finished now.
  • Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Taught by men, for women.

101 Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV

102 Doing Housework Without Complaining

103 Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge

104 Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)

105 Understanding the Male Response to “Do I Look OK?”

106 Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother

107 Learning How to Initiate Intimacy

108 How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong

109 Understanding the Male Response to “Am I Fat?”

110 Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must

111 The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too

112 Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to “Make Love”

113 “The Weekend” and “Long Boring Walks” Are Not Synonymous

114 How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him

115 The Remote Control: Don’t Touch What You Can’t Handle

116 You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone

117 Honest, You Don’t Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You’re Acceptable

118 Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)

119 Runs In Your Nylons? It’s Not the End of the World

120 Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook

121 Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There

122 Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours

123 Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases

124 Makeup: The Less is More Theory

125 Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

When I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey, Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my Chunky for a Million Dollar Bar?”

She immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy.

I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Mars and ZagNut, so it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to her Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?”

She was quite a piece of Juicy Fruit and screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden — my Starburst.

As luck would have it, she soon complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth.

Taught by women, for men.

101 Combating Stupidity

102 You Too Can Do Housework

103 P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

104 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray

105 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas – Give Us Money

106 Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM

107 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly “Don’t Wash My Silks”)

108 Parenting – No, It Doesn’t End With Conception

109 Get a Life – Learn How To Cook

110 How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong

111 Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

112 Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

113 You – The Weaker Sex

114 Reasons To Give Flowers

115 How To Stay Awake After

116 Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom

117 Garbage – Getting It To the Curb

118A You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

118B The Morning Dilemma – If It’s Awake, Take a Shower

119 The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

120 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

121 How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

122 The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

123 Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes

124 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

125 You Too Can Be a Designated Driver

126 Honest, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

127 Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works

128 The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary

129 Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

130 Real Men Ask For Directions

131 How To Take Illness Like a Man

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

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