FAIL Fun

A man was driving down a old highway out in the middle of nowhere that he’d never been down before. There was nothing on the side of the road, nothing in the distance really, nothing worth mentioning anywhere.

Finally, however, he came upon a sign. It said “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 15 miles.”

After passing it, he shook his head. ‘Must’ve been my mind playing tricks on me.’ But then he saw another sign. “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 10 miles.”

The man blinked and shrugged. It must be a real place. Another sign, “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 5 miles.”

By this time the guy’s been thinking about it and he’s getting horny, so when he sees a sign that says “St. Mary’s, turn here” along with a road leading off the highway he takes it.

He drives for a few minutes, then goes over a hill, and down on the other side of the hill is this huge, gorgeous cathedral. Lovely Victorian design, statuary, stained glass windows, the works. He pulls into the large parking lot and gets out, heading up to the front door.

After he knocks for a minute, the door opens and a older nun sticks her head out the front door. “Yes?” The man grins. “I was driving down the road and saw the signs for your chapel, and I was hoping to partake of your… services?” The nun smiles and nods. “Aaah. Yes, please, follow me, my son.”

The nun opens the door for him to enter, and then they spend 20 minutes walking through the cathedral, down through the bunks, the prayer rooms, the kitchen, past other nuns who smile and keep walking, back and forth and up and down and all over and just when the guy is completely lost by this point she stops in front of a door, and holds out an offering plate. “Place $200 into the plate, then close your eyes. I’ll open the door and close it behind you, then you can open your eyes and you’ll be there.”

By this point the guy’s horny as hell, so he places the $200 into the plate and closes his eyes. He hears the door open, and walks forward through the door, which he hears close and lock behind him. He opens his eyes, and he’s back outside in the parking lot. In front of him is a small sign: “You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Saint Mary’s. God bless you.”

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

When I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey, Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my Chunky for a Million Dollar Bar?”

She immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy.

I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Mars and ZagNut, so it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to her Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?”

She was quite a piece of Juicy Fruit and screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden — my Starburst.

As luck would have it, she soon complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth.

Taught by men, for women.

101 Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV

102 Doing Housework Without Complaining

103 Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge

104 Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)

105 Understanding the Male Response to “Do I Look OK?”

106 Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother

107 Learning How to Initiate Intimacy

108 How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong

109 Understanding the Male Response to “Am I Fat?”

110 Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must

111 The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too

112 Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to “Make Love”

113 “The Weekend” and “Long Boring Walks” Are Not Synonymous

114 How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him

115 The Remote Control: Don’t Touch What You Can’t Handle

116 You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone

117 Honest, You Don’t Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You’re Acceptable

118 Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)

119 Runs In Your Nylons? It’s Not the End of the World

120 Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook

121 Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There

122 Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours

123 Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases

124 Makeup: The Less is More Theory

125 Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?”

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she again asked if he would like something. “How would you like a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

Again he declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken?”

He declines again. “Naw, still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

Via

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?