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Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.”

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now.

“How in heavens name did you find that out?”

And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

A man was driving down a old highway out in the middle of nowhere that he’d never been down before. There was nothing on the side of the road, nothing in the distance really, nothing worth mentioning anywhere.

Finally, however, he came upon a sign. It said “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 15 miles.”

After passing it, he shook his head. ‘Must’ve been my mind playing tricks on me.’ But then he saw another sign. “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 10 miles.”

The man blinked and shrugged. It must be a real place. Another sign, “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 5 miles.”

By this time the guy’s been thinking about it and he’s getting horny, so when he sees a sign that says “St. Mary’s, turn here” along with a road leading off the highway he takes it.

He drives for a few minutes, then goes over a hill, and down on the other side of the hill is this huge, gorgeous cathedral. Lovely Victorian design, statuary, stained glass windows, the works. He pulls into the large parking lot and gets out, heading up to the front door.

After he knocks for a minute, the door opens and a older nun sticks her head out the front door. “Yes?” The man grins. “I was driving down the road and saw the signs for your chapel, and I was hoping to partake of your… services?” The nun smiles and nods. “Aaah. Yes, please, follow me, my son.”

The nun opens the door for him to enter, and then they spend 20 minutes walking through the cathedral, down through the bunks, the prayer rooms, the kitchen, past other nuns who smile and keep walking, back and forth and up and down and all over and just when the guy is completely lost by this point she stops in front of a door, and holds out an offering plate. “Place $200 into the plate, then close your eyes. I’ll open the door and close it behind you, then you can open your eyes and you’ll be there.”

By this point the guy’s horny as hell, so he places the $200 into the plate and closes his eyes. He hears the door open, and walks forward through the door, which he hears close and lock behind him. He opens his eyes, and he’s back outside in the parking lot. In front of him is a small sign: “You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Saint Mary’s. God bless you.”

  • Miss Scarlett’s Come Home to Tara
  • Trolling for Vampires
  • A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
  • Saddling Old Rusty
  • Feelin’ Menstru-riffic!
  • Clean-Up in Aisle One
  • Massacre at the Y
  • T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
  • Game Day for the Crimson Tide
  • Panty Shields Up, Captain!
  • Taking Carrie to the Prom
  • Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote’s Ragtime Band
  • Ordering l’Omelette Rouge
  • Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
  • Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
  • You have been taken hostage on a gay pirate ship.
  • You are forced to swab the deck and set the sails.
  • See how long you would last before you would jump ship or walk the plank.

Here are my results
How Long Could You Last On A Gay Pirate Ship?

How long could you last?

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