FAIL Fun

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I
shoulder.

4. Texas
My friend always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing .

11. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Two women friends had gone for a girls’ night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one of the women’s husbands was concerned because his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
“These girls’ nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!”

“That’s nothing” said the other husband. “Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..

“From all of us at the Fire Station.
We’ll never forget you.”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

It’s your dog speaking

1. Blaming your farts on me….. not funny… not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for ‘the big snip’, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven’t you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who’s boss here! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?