FAIL Fun

Boy: Dad, what’s politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we’ll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we’ll call her the government. We’ll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don’t understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he’s soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she’s asleep he goes in to the maids room but she’s in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day…

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government’s fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

• The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren’t working … They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
• How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
• How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
• How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
• How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
• How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
• If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you (A)-go to lunch or (B)-read the newspaper?
• What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
• What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
• What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
• What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
• What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
• What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
• What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Don’t know. (There are some things a pig just won’t do.)
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
• What’s another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
• Why does NY have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said,

“Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the Brunette said, “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said, “I think I’m the most talented of us three”, and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think…” and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Ed, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cock pit.”

“It’s the Box office.”

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a “bitch” and the women called the man a “bastard”.

Their son walked in and said “What does bitch and bastard mean?” and the parents replied “ladies and gentlemen”.

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said “feel my titties” and the man said “feel my dick”.

Their son walked in and asked “What does titties and dick mean?” and the parents replied “hats and coats”.

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, “Shit” he said, the kid came in and asked “What’s that mean” and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, “Fuck” she said. Once again the kid asked “What’s that mean” the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said “Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!