FAIL Fun

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it’s his turn the preacher says, “Bubba, what you want me to pray about? “

Bubba says, “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, “Bubba, how’s your hearing now?”

Bubba says, “I don’t know preacher, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

Via

Danny was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars” she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them– it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my vife,” Danny answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” says Danny, “I didn’t either, ’til you shine that light in her face!”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman’s husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy “I have a football.”
Man “That’s nice.”
Boy “Want to buy it?”
Man “No, thanks.”
Boy “My dad’s outside.”
Man “OK, how much?” Boy – $250

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy “Dark in here.”
Man “Yes, it is.”
Boy “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy “$750″ Man “Sold.”

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of footy.

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.”
The father says, “What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You’re going to church to confess!”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again”.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $1,000,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $1,000,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $1,000,000.”

The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $1,000,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older brother if he’d have sex with Brad Pitt for $1,000,000.”

The boy asks his brother: “Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for $1,000,000?” The brother replies: “Definitely, it’s a million dollars!”

He returns to his father: “Dad, he said ‘Definitely, it’s a million dollars!’ ”

The father lets his son think about it for a day and then asks him what he has come up with.

The little boy answers: “Okay dad, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a faggot and a couple of whores.”

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
• Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?