FAIL Fun

A woman asks her husband, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?”

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime she again asked if he would like something. “How would you like a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

Again he declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken?”

He declines again. “Naw, still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says, “would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

Via

The auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed
“Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks.
“I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

• you let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• you wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
• someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”
• you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• your junior prom offered day care.
• you think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “play ball.”
• you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• the Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• you have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
• one of your kids was born on a pool table.
• you can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
• you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means getting your wife drunk.
• you put mt. dew in your baby’s bottle.

A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri, from Texas .

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it in Texas, it cost them
$2000. per year!

When they arrived in Missouri, they went to an insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: ‘$39.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri
to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system above it, is $39… You just have to know how to
describe it!’

(Those Show Me State folks know how “to git ‘er done”; don’t they?)

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effor t you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.’