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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.He tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.’

The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.’ Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

‘See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given.Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

‘Your badge! Show him your badge!’

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I
shoulder.

4. Texas
My friend always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing .

11. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem; she was in need of a partner. However there was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Mike was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla — for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her,” and “Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”

The zoo administration quickly accepted these conditions, but what was the third?

“Well,” said Mike, “You’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Ed, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cock pit.”

“It’s the Box office.”

There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top. The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket they moved it and she dies. They yell to the brunette to jump but she says,”No I saw what you did to the redhead”! They shout we don’t like redheads! So the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies. Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says,”no I saw what you did to them”! They shout we don’t like them! The blonde then says, “I don’t trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!”

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