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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, ‘Can I help you Sir ? ‘

‘Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr’, the man replies.

The cop asks, ‘Where was your car the last time you saw it? ‘

‘It wasss on the end of thisshh key’, the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, ‘Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself? ‘

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out…..

‘Holy shit! My girlfriend’s gone, too!!

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

Big Ole Poop

How to Poop at Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

Comment on this funny post »

1.  Are you Andy or Barney?

2.  Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

3.  I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

4.  Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

5.  I pay your salary!

6.  Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

7.  Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

8.  You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9.  Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

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