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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

  • All this could be yours for one low, low price!
  • Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
  • Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
  • Are you a tamale? ‘Cause you’re hot.
  • As she’s leaving…. Hey aren’t you forgetting something? She: What? Me!
  • Ask a woman for the time. “10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you.”
  • Baby did you fart, ’cause you blow me away!
  • Click here to read more pick-up lines »

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer!

Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Alaska: Jeez, it’s Cold.

Alaska: Yeah, But It’s a Dry Cold.
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  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  • In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  • Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
  • If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  • Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
  • Speak only in a “robot” voice.
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
  • Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
  • Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  • Sniffle incessantly.
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Kentucky. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’

Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to a tone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’

4 months vacation and five good leads.

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