Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin
What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
Spelling
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend
What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin
Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls?
The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice
Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail?
She’s going to become a Shaker
What’s the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?
No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer
What’s the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a reliable driver
What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?
Diana wouldn’t be seen dead in a Ford
What were Princess Di’s last words?
“Is that all this cars got?”
What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?
They both had a hit with the wall
What would you call Di if she married Fayed?
Princess Di-ed
Why doesn’t Di like the French Press?
They drive her up the wall
When a man talks nasty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute
Chinese couple’s in bed.
Husband says, “I want a sixty-nine.”
His wife says, “You want beef and broccoli now?”
When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
The day his hand caught on fire
What would you call a musician who doesn’t have a girlfriend?
Homeless
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote
What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss them
Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It changes your blood type
What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge
What’s the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball
Why are hurricanes named after women?
They’re wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave
What’s the difference between John Denver and the stock market?
People would cry if the stock market crashed
Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers
Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
Bartender says, “All right, I’ll let ya stay—but don’t start nuthin.”
What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
“Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
What did the man with five penises say?
“These pants fit like a glove”
What goes click-click-click…”Did I get it?”
Ray Charles doing Rubik’s Cube
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did — in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard
How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He’s the one with sesame seed buns
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife did
Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?
He studied all year for the bra exam
What about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
One was a salted
What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
Bozo the clone
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny
Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain’s log
Couple’s in the living room. He says, “You’re dry tonight.”
She says, “You’re licking the rug.”
What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries
What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring
How do you get 99 old ladies to say “f***” at the same time?
Yell “Bingo!”
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Miriam