FAIL Fun

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it….

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?

Via

• All this could be yours for one low, low price!
• Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
• Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
• Are you a tamale? ‘Cause you’re hot.
• As she’s leaving…. Hey aren’t you forgetting something? She: What? Me!
• Ask a woman for the time. “10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you.”
• Baby did you fart, ’cause you blow me away!

Click here to read more pick-up lines »

What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?
She was bobbing for french fries.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side of her face?
They called back.

Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?
Her dog was blind too.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.

How did she burn her fingers?
Reading the waffle iron

What did she do when she fell down the well?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens

Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
Wind it up and it walks into walls.

What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?
Helen Keller moaning

Who is the cruelest man in the world?
The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t
scream for help.
Click here to read more Helen Keller jokes »

These are real ads that were placed in various classifieds:

• Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
• Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
• Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
• Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 — $9 per hour.
• Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
• Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
• Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
• Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
• Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat… been out while. Better be reward.
• Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs – $175.
• ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
• Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
• Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
• Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
• German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
• Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
• Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products.”
• Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
• Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
• Hummels – Largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, then we have it!”
• 1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
• Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
• Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
• Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
• Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?