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Archive for the ‘One Liners’ Category

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  • A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
  • “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
    “Is it common?”
    “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
  • Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
    “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
    “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
  • I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the raft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
    “But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
    “Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  • A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
  • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
  • And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns for his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

“Man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment get no new key”
“Man who fart in church must sit in own pew”
“Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok”
“Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly”
“Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone”
“Man who stand in front of car get tired.”
“Man who stand behind car get exhausted.”
“Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day”
“Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”
“Man who buy many prunes get good run for money”
“Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk”
“Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth”
“War doesn’t determine who is right. War determines who is left.”
“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse”
“It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it”
“Man who drive like hell bound to get there”
“Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs”
“Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money”
“Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time”
“Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam”
“Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night”
“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot”

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
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WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tom, 5 )

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 9 )

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10 )

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9 )

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”
(Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7 )

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8 )

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me, I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7 )

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9 )

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8 )

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6 )

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8 )

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10 )

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8 )

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9 )

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me.” (Bart, 9 )

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”:

“The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle,9 )

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7 )

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” (Randy,8 )

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it….

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?

Via

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