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Archive for the ‘One Liners’ Category

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One… men will screw anything

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
“This place rocks!”

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They’re both kinda cute, but neither one can fly
Click here to read more one liners »

These are real ads that were placed in various classifieds:

  • Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
  • FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
  • Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
  • For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
  • Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
  • Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  • Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
  • Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
  • Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
  • Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
  • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 — $9 per hour.
  • Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
  • Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
  • Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
  • Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
  • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat… been out while. Better be reward.
  • Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs – $175.
  • Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
  • Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
  • Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
  • German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
  • Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
  • Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products.”
  • Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
  • Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
  • Hummels – Largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, then we have it!”
  • 1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
  • Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
  • Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
  • Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin

What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend
Click here to read more one liners »

  • All this could be yours for one low, low price!
  • Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
  • Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
  • Are you a tamale? ‘Cause you’re hot.
  • As she’s leaving…. Hey aren’t you forgetting something? She: What? Me!
  • Ask a woman for the time. “10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you.”
  • Baby did you fart, ’cause you blow me away!
  • Click here to read more pick-up lines »

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