FAIL Fun

These are real ads that were placed in various classifieds:

• Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
• Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
• Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
• Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 — $9 per hour.
• Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
• Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
• Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
• Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
• Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat… been out while. Better be reward.
• Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs – $175.
• ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
• Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
• Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
• Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
• German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
• Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
• Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products.”
• Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
• Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
• Hummels – Largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, then we have it!”
• 1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
• Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
• Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
• Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
• Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
• A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
• “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
  “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
  “Is it common?”
  “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
• Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
  “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
  “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
• An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
• A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
• I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the raft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
  “But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
  “Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
• A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
• Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
• A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
• And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns for his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

“Man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment get no new key”
“Man who fart in church must sit in own pew”
“Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok”
“Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly”
“Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone”
“Man who stand in front of car get tired.”
“Man who stand behind car get exhausted.”
“Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day”
“Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”
“Man who buy many prunes get good run for money”
“Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk”
“Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth”
“War doesn’t determine who is right. War determines who is left.”
“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse”
“It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it”
“Man who drive like hell bound to get there”
“Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs”
“Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money”
“Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time”
“Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam”
“Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night”
“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot”

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One… men will screw anything

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
“This place rocks!”

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They’re both kinda cute, but neither one can fly
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