FAIL Fun

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tom, 5 )

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 9 )

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10 )

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9 )

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”
(Roger, 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7 )

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8 )

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me, I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7 )

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9 )

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8 )

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6 )

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8 )

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10 )

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8 )

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9 )

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me.” (Bart, 9 )

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”:

“The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle,9 )

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7 )

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” (Randy,8 )

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin

What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend
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And What you should say instead!

10. “You must play the trumpet because you sure made me horny!”

Why it’ll get you maced: Some girls are insecure about not being able to play a musical instrument. Don’t put them on the spot like that.

What you should’ve said: You have the ass of a great artist.

9. “Are you from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see!”

Why it’ll get you maced: It’s a tired line may as well put a lampshade on your head. And how many girls have you tried it on that were actually from Tennessee?

What you should’ve said: *Snap fingers, point at your crotch*

8. “Hi, I’ve been undressing you with my eyes all night long and I think it’s about time to see if I’m right.”

Why it’ll get you maced: No girl wants to hear that you’ve been mentally undressing them. It’s creepy. They deserve more respect than that.

What you should’ve said: “Nice dress, it’ll look great crumpled up in a plastic bag, and covered in blood.”

7. “You have pretty eyeballs. Of course, they’d be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s disrespectful. No girl likes to be talked down to, and no one, NO ONE has pretty balls. Even Brad Pitt’s look like two tiny hairy hanging inverted footballs with most of the air let out.

What you should’ve said: Nothing. Simply walk up to her, whip out your penis, and begin flapping it madly while singing, “Hello my baby, hello my darling!”

6. “You are the hottest thing since sunburn.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Girls hear that all the time. Be specific, compliment her hair, her purse, the way her dress or shoes match her eyes. Be original, and be a getleman.

What you should’ve said: “George Bush is hella stupid. But enough about politics. Let’s talk about your bush. I bet it’s hella stupid.”

5. “Congratulations! You’ve just been voted Most Beautiful Girl in this Room and the grand prize is a night with me!”

Why it’ll get you maced: Girls love winning prizes. Girls hate disappointment. And even though you think you’re a hell of a catch, she just got the first impression that you’re desperate. And corny. If you’re going to put yourself out there like that, be a bit more entertaining. Try a magic trick.

What you should’ve said: “I can move objects with my mind. But first, they must be thrown from my hand. Here, let me show you – is this your dog?”

4. “Is someone at the door or is that just my heart pounding at the sight of you?”

Why it’ll get you maced: You think you’re smooth, clever, and witty. In your mind, you’re George Clooney. In her mind, your that stereotypical greasy guy in a leisure suit, tiny mustache, and gold chain. Not cool. Yes, be witty, even funny, but if it ain’t from the heart, it’s just a bad pick-up line. Be honest for once.

What you should’ve said: “Of all the women in the bar, you looked to me like the most likely to f*ck a stranger. I believe that honesty is the most important part of a relationship. Ironic that I’m using these very words to try and trick you into sucking my wang.

3. “You’re so sweet I’m getting a cavity just looking at you.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s tired, it’s used, it’s corny, and you come off as some kind of pervert. You want to compliment her in an honest, open manner. You wouldn’t want a guy to use that line on your sister would you? Neither does she. Introduce yourself, tell her you think she’s attractive, in a positive, non-creepy way, and tell a funny little joke.

What you should’ve said: I’m the only guy in the room who’s drunk enough to not consider you hideous and grotesque. Let’s face it, I’m your best and only option, and If you ever cheat on me, I’ll kill you both. Do you understand me? Don’t look at the floor – look at me. Do you understand me?

2. “Two trains are leaving their stations at the same time. Both need to travel 1,000 miles. If train ‘A’ is going 95 miles per hour, and train ‘B’ is going 85 miles per hour, how long will it take for you to go out with me?”

Why it’ll get you maced: It’s just too long. You made a good effort, it’s witty, but in a loud club with the music thumping, by the third time she screams “what?!” she already lost interest, and the joke isn’t funny. Keep it short and sweet.

What you should’ve said: I want to f*ck you where farts come from. If you know what I mean.

1. “Hey, gorgeous! You’re so electrifying the power company is looking for you.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s a tired line, and it’s such a random compliment that she knows it got cast more times than a fisherman’s hook without any bait. Personalize it. Be honest and open. Make it feel like the compliment was for her, and her alone.

What you should’ve said: “Do you ever have the feeling you’re being watched, Cheryl? Because you are. There will never be a time when you’re not being watched. I’m sorry about your pet’s passing. I know you didn’t mention Sparky.” *long stare*

Via the funny guys at Whip It Out Comedy!