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Archive for the ‘One Liners’ Category

What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?
She was bobbing for french fries.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side of her face?
They called back.

Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?
Her dog was blind too.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.

How did she burn her fingers?
Reading the waffle iron

What did she do when she fell down the well?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens

Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
Wind it up and it walks into walls.

What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?
Helen Keller moaning

Who is the cruelest man in the world?
The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t
scream for help.
Click here to read more Helen Keller jokes »

  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
  • Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

And What you should say instead!

10. “You must play the trumpet because you sure made me horny!”

Why it’ll get you maced: Some girls are insecure about not being able to play a musical instrument. Don’t put them on the spot like that.

What you should’ve said: You have the ass of a great artist.

9. “Are you from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see!”

Why it’ll get you maced: It’s a tired line may as well put a lampshade on your head. And how many girls have you tried it on that were actually from Tennessee?

What you should’ve said: *Snap fingers, point at your crotch*

8. “Hi, I’ve been undressing you with my eyes all night long and I think it’s about time to see if I’m right.”

Why it’ll get you maced: No girl wants to hear that you’ve been mentally undressing them. It’s creepy. They deserve more respect than that.

What you should’ve said: “Nice dress, it’ll look great crumpled up in a plastic bag, and covered in blood.”

7. “You have pretty eyeballs. Of course, they’d be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s disrespectful. No girl likes to be talked down to, and no one, NO ONE has pretty balls. Even Brad Pitt’s look like two tiny hairy hanging inverted footballs with most of the air let out.

What you should’ve said: Nothing. Simply walk up to her, whip out your penis, and begin flapping it madly while singing, “Hello my baby, hello my darling!”

6. “You are the hottest thing since sunburn.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Girls hear that all the time. Be specific, compliment her hair, her purse, the way her dress or shoes match her eyes. Be original, and be a getleman.

What you should’ve said: “George Bush is hella stupid. But enough about politics. Let’s talk about your bush. I bet it’s hella stupid.”

5. “Congratulations! You’ve just been voted Most Beautiful Girl in this Room and the grand prize is a night with me!”

Why it’ll get you maced: Girls love winning prizes. Girls hate disappointment. And even though you think you’re a hell of a catch, she just got the first impression that you’re desperate. And corny. If you’re going to put yourself out there like that, be a bit more entertaining. Try a magic trick.

What you should’ve said: “I can move objects with my mind. But first, they must be thrown from my hand. Here, let me show you – is this your dog?”

4. “Is someone at the door or is that just my heart pounding at the sight of you?”

Why it’ll get you maced: You think you’re smooth, clever, and witty. In your mind, you’re George Clooney. In her mind, your that stereotypical greasy guy in a leisure suit, tiny mustache, and gold chain. Not cool. Yes, be witty, even funny, but if it ain’t from the heart, it’s just a bad pick-up line. Be honest for once.

What you should’ve said: “Of all the women in the bar, you looked to me like the most likely to f*ck a stranger. I believe that honesty is the most important part of a relationship. Ironic that I’m using these very words to try and trick you into sucking my wang.

3. “You’re so sweet I’m getting a cavity just looking at you.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s tired, it’s used, it’s corny, and you come off as some kind of pervert. You want to compliment her in an honest, open manner. You wouldn’t want a guy to use that line on your sister would you? Neither does she. Introduce yourself, tell her you think she’s attractive, in a positive, non-creepy way, and tell a funny little joke.

What you should’ve said: I’m the only guy in the room who’s drunk enough to not consider you hideous and grotesque. Let’s face it, I’m your best and only option, and If you ever cheat on me, I’ll kill you both. Do you understand me? Don’t look at the floor – look at me. Do you understand me?

2. “Two trains are leaving their stations at the same time. Both need to travel 1,000 miles. If train ‘A’ is going 95 miles per hour, and train ‘B’ is going 85 miles per hour, how long will it take for you to go out with me?”

Why it’ll get you maced: It’s just too long. You made a good effort, it’s witty, but in a loud club with the music thumping, by the third time she screams “what?!” she already lost interest, and the joke isn’t funny. Keep it short and sweet.

What you should’ve said: I want to f*ck you where farts come from. If you know what I mean.

1. “Hey, gorgeous! You’re so electrifying the power company is looking for you.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s a tired line, and it’s such a random compliment that she knows it got cast more times than a fisherman’s hook without any bait. Personalize it. Be honest and open. Make it feel like the compliment was for her, and her alone.

What you should’ve said: “Do you ever have the feeling you’re being watched, Cheryl? Because you are. There will never be a time when you’re not being watched. I’m sorry about your pet’s passing. I know you didn’t mention Sparky.” *long stare*

Via the funny guys at Whip It Out Comedy!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One… men will screw anything

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
“This place rocks!”

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They’re both kinda cute, but neither one can fly
Click here to read more one liners »

These are real ads that were placed in various classifieds:

  • Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
  • FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
  • Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
  • For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
  • Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
  • Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  • Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
  • Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
  • Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
  • Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
  • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 — $9 per hour.
  • Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
  • Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
  • Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
  • Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
  • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat… been out while. Better be reward.
  • Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs – $175.
  • ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
  • Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
  • Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
  • Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
  • German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
  • Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
  • Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products.”
  • Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
  • Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
  • Hummels – Largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, then we have it!”
  • 1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
  • Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
  • Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
  • Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

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