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Archive for the ‘One Liners’ Category

  1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  5. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  6. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
  9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  10. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  12. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  13. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  14. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  15. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  16. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  17. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
  18. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  19. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

  1. Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
  2. Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
  3. My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
  4. Do you have a library card? Cuz I’d like to sign you out.
  5. Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
  6. If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
  7. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
  8. Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’
    Woman – ‘WHAT?’
    Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’
  9. I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
  10. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room…
  11. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
  12. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND .. the best for last!
  13. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
  • Hi. Can I domesticate you?
  • Hi. My name is {name}. I’m running for president in 2012. And I could sure use your vote. Here…write down your number and I’ll call you to discuss my platform.
  • I don’t know you, but I think I love you already.
  • I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I’ll stop loving you.
  • I envy your lipstick.
  • I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
  • I have only three months to live.
  • Click here to read more pick-up lines »

What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?
She was bobbing for french fries.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side of her face?
They called back.

Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?
Her dog was blind too.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.

How did she burn her fingers?
Reading the waffle iron

What did she do when she fell down the well?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens

Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
Wind it up and it walks into walls.

What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?
Helen Keller moaning

Who is the cruelest man in the world?
The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t
scream for help.
Click here to read more Helen Keller jokes »

  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
  • Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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