1. Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2. Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3. My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
4. Do you have a library card? Cuz I’d like to sign you out.
5. Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
6. If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
7. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
8. Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’
   Woman – ‘WHAT?’
   Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’
9. I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room…
11. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND .. the best for last!
13. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin

What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend

What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin

Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls?
The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice

Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail?
She’s going to become a Shaker

What’s the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?
No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer

What’s the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a reliable driver

What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?
Diana wouldn’t be seen dead in a Ford

What were Princess Di’s last words?
“Is that all this cars got?”

What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?
They both had a hit with the wall

What would you call Di if she married Fayed?
Princess Di-ed

Why doesn’t Di like the French Press?
They drive her up the wall

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

Chinese couple’s in bed.
Husband says, “I want a sixty-nine.”
His wife says, “You want beef and broccoli now?”

When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
The day his hand caught on fire

What would you call a musician who doesn’t have a girlfriend?
Homeless

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss them

Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It changes your blood type

What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge

What’s the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

Why are hurricanes named after women?
They’re wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave

What’s the difference between John Denver and the stock market?
People would cry if the stock market crashed

Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers

Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
Bartender says, “All right, I’ll let ya stay—but don’t start nuthin.”

What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
“Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!

What did the man with five penises say?
“These pants fit like a glove”

What goes click-click-click…”Did I get it?”
Ray Charles doing Rubik’s Cube

What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did — in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard

How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He’s the one with sesame seed buns

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife did

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?
He studied all year for the bra exam

What about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
One was a salted

What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
Bozo the clone

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain’s log

Couple’s in the living room. He says, “You’re dry tonight.”
She says, “You’re licking the rug.”

What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries

What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring

How do you get 99 old ladies to say “f***” at the same time?
Yell “Bingo!”

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I
shoulder.

4. Texas
My friend always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing .

11. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer!

Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Alaska: Jeez, it’s Cold.

Alaska: Yeah, But It’s a Dry Cold.

Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat

Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers!

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free!

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don’t Own It Yet

Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Ca**hole.

Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Leave us alone, we’re busy enjoying the 82 degree winter.

Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids!

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel

Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die

Florida: America’s Wang

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Hawaii: Come surfing because we love your hilarious You Tube vids.

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Indiana: Dan Quayle’s Favorite Country!

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys!

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Missouri: Loves Company!

Missouri: The “Show Me State”. You show me yours and I’ll show you my rifle.

Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nebraska: The “N” is for Knowledge

Nebraska: Bring Something to Do!

Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons – Winter and Construction

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer

New Jersey: What Smell?

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico and Less Bodies in the Sandbox

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

Ohio: Where One of Your Dad’s Friends Lives

Ohio: It’s Not Just “Hello” in Japanese

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl – It’s What’s For Dinner

Oregon: It’s OR-EE-GUN, you idiot!

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It!

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Vermont: Gettin’ Busy with New Hampshire since 1791

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air

Wyoming: Where Men are Men (And The Sheep are Scared)

Via

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes

Why is air a lot like sex?
It’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What’s the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time…”
A Southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud

What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean

What’s the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike

What do you call a pimp who doesn’t like blow jobs?
A headless whoresman

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned

Did you hear about the new “Divorce Barbie”?
It comes with all of Ken’s stuff

“Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!”
“Sit down and I’ll deal with you later.”

“Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!”
“What’s come over you?”

“Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!”
“Pull yourself together!”

Why did Santa’s little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What’s considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats

How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA