- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
- Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Archive for the ‘One Liners’ Category
Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.
Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.
Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.
Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.
- Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
- Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
- My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
- Do you have a library card? Cuz I’d like to sign you out.
- Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
- If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
- You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
- Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’
Woman – ‘WHAT?’
Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’ - I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
- I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room…
- Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
- If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND .. the best for last!
- Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R
If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.
Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.
Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!
You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES
“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?
I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!
Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?
I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
I dont want to come between you… or do I?
Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?
Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.
Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …
I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.
I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?
I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.
I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.
I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.
Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?
Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin
What was the witches’ favorite subject in school?
Spelling
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend
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