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A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri, from Texas .

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it in Texas, it cost them
$2000. per year!

When they arrived in Missouri, they went to an insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: ‘$39.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri
to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system above it, is $39… You just have to know how to
describe it!’

(Those Show Me State folks know how “to git ‘er done”; don’t they?)

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
  • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.
  • If you are borderline, it doesn’t matter which number you press– no one will answer.
  • If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.
  • If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.
  • If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
  • If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
  • If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.
  • If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.
  • If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.
  • If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, we’re leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his f***ing widow.”

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