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One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

“Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?” The man replied, “Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Chicago and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city.” Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Chicagoan, “Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?” The young man looked up and said, “No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I’m coping with it just fine.”

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man’s stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Chicagoan jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

“This looks promising!” thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: “The Cubs have won the World Series! The Cubs have won the World Series!”

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

  • You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
  • Your potted plants stay alive.
  • You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
  • Your friends’ hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
  • You attend parties that the police don’t raid.
  • You’re not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.
  • You refer to college students as “those kids.”
  • You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
  • At 6 a.m., you’re putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
  • Naps are no longer weekday options.
  • Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
  • Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
  • You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me.”
Bobcat Goldthwait

“I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister’s house and ask her for money.”
Kevin Meaney

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said,
‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ”
Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?”
Warren Hutcherson

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.”
Elayne Boosler

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
John Mendoza

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.”
Steven Wright

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks’ notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
Bob Ettinger

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
Conan O’Brien

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin.”
Winston Spear

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s
how dogs spend their lives.”
Sue Murphy

“My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there.”
Ron Richards

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.”
Lily Tomlin

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.”
David Letterman

“Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away.”
Billiam Coronell

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
Rita Rudner

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
Lily Tomlin

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe
clippers right here.’”
Jerry Seinfeld

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed
it.”
Steven Wright

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ ”
Bruce Baum

“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know.
‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?”
Garry Shandling

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t
cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
Richard Jeni

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
Paul Rodriguez

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.”
Lynda Montgomery

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