FAIL Fun

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women

• When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
• The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
• A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
• After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
• An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
• A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
• Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
• As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
• The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
• When a man 20 attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying, that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

*** Remember… They walk among us!!!

1.  Are you Andy or Barney?

2.  Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

3.  I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

4.  Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

5.  I pay your salary!

6.  Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

7.  Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

8.  You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9.  Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.
• If you are borderline, it doesn’t matter which number you press– no one will answer.
• If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.
• If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.
• If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
• If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.
• If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.
• If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.He tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.’

The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.’ Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

‘See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given.Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

‘Your badge! Show him your badge!’