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Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

Early Adolescence

Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT’S GOING ON?

Brain:
Nothing, just calm down. I’m wearing sweatpants and we’re right in the middle of class.

Penis:
BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET’S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.

Brain:
We’re definitely not gonna do that.

Penis:
YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.

Brain:
Please go back to sleep.

Penis:
F*CK NO. I’M AMPED.

Brain:
But I’ve gotta do a presentation. Everyone’s going to see you…

Penis:
DON’T CARE.

Brain: Please, I’m begging you.

Penis:
I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

Young Adulthood

Penis: Damn, your ex is looking pretty good tonight.

Brain: She’s crazy.

Penis: Crazy…IN THE SACK!

Brain: I’m not gonna hook up with her. Too much drama.

Penis: WE’LL SORT THAT SHIT OUT LATER.

Brain: No. I’ll sort it out later. You’ll just do whatever you want and leave me to deal with the consequences.

Penis: WHATEVER, MAN. STOP BEING GAY. WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?

Brain: Can’t we just find someone else?

Penis: I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE. BEND TO MY WILL.

Old Age

Brain: Come on, old buddy. You can do this. It’s my 40th wedding anniversary.

Penis: …Ugh.

Brain: Get up! Just this one time. Please.

Penis: Go away. I’m sleepy.

Brain: All I’m asking is for a few minutes.

Penis: With that old hag? That’s an eternity.

Brain: That’s my wife you’re talking about!

Penis: She bores me.

Brain: What if I think about someone else?

Penis: That could work. YEAH! LET’S DO THIS.

Brain: Great. OK, here we go.

Penis: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Brain: SON OF A BITCH.

1. Start off with casual conversation.

2. Ask her questions, PERSONAL questions about herself and her lifestyle, and make sure to look her in the eye.

3. Do not initiate physical contact for the moment.

4. Figure out whether or not you want something from this girl from this stage, because it’s about to get good.

5. Give her a wink or a nudge and ask to see her room.

6. If she indicates that it’s upstairs, ALL THE BETTER.

7. Once you get upstairs, lay her down on the bed, manfully.

8. Your goal is right in front of you, but keep your cool.

9. Talk it over with her first. She’ll know what you need.

10. Trace your finger over your pant button, in slow, lazy circles.

11. Remove your pants gracefully. You may want to add a little dance.

12. Now she’s yours.

13. After unzipping her pants, pull slowly from her ankles until the pant is off, making sure not to bunch it; this will just make it more difficult to put on.

14. Start with either the right leg or the left leg.

15. Place your legs in the tubes of the pant, and pull up to your hips.

16. Zipper, button, and you’ve succeeded.

Tips

* If the fit is too tight, don’t worry. You’re still technically in them

via

3 explorers were hiking in the forest when they were captured by natives.

They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits.

The first guy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief says, shove them all up your ass without making a sound.

So the 1st guy gets 2 bananas in when he starts screaming, so the natives kill him.

The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the natives killed him too.

Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies to heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says ‘Hey dude why did you laugh you could have gone back and told out families what had happened’.

The 2nd explorer replies, ‘Sorry I just couldn’t stop myself from laughing when I saw Ben coming down the hill with 10 watermelons.’

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. ”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast.
Now I do it in ten.”

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