FAIL Fun

Danny was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars” she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them– it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my vife,” Danny answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” says Danny, “I didn’t either, ’til you shine that light in her face!”

1. Start off with casual conversation.

2. Ask her questions, PERSONAL questions about herself and her lifestyle, and make sure to look her in the eye.

3. Do not initiate physical contact for the moment.

4. Figure out whether or not you want something from this girl from this stage, because it’s about to get good.

5. Give her a wink or a nudge and ask to see her room.

6. If she indicates that it’s upstairs, ALL THE BETTER.

7. Once you get upstairs, lay her down on the bed, manfully.

8. Your goal is right in front of you, but keep your cool.

9. Talk it over with her first. She’ll know what you need.

10. Trace your finger over your pant button, in slow, lazy circles.

11. Remove your pants gracefully. You may want to add a little dance.

12. Now she’s yours.

13. After unzipping her pants, pull slowly from her ankles until the pant is off, making sure not to bunch it; this will just make it more difficult to put on.

14. Start with either the right leg or the left leg.

15. Place your legs in the tubes of the pant, and pull up to your hips.

16. Zipper, button, and you’ve succeeded.

Tips

* If the fit is too tight, don’t worry. You’re still technically in them

via

3 explorers were hiking in the forest when they were captured by natives.

They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits.

The first guy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief says, shove them all up your ass without making a sound.

So the 1st guy gets 2 bananas in when he starts screaming, so the natives kill him.

The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the natives killed him too.

Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies to heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says ‘Hey dude why did you laugh you could have gone back and told out families what had happened’.

The 2nd explorer replies, ‘Sorry I just couldn’t stop myself from laughing when I saw Ben coming down the hill with 10 watermelons.’

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Via

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. ”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast.
Now I do it in ten.”