FAIL Fun

3 explorers were hiking in the forest when they were captured by natives.

They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits.

The first guy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief says, shove them all up your ass without making a sound.

So the 1st guy gets 2 bananas in when he starts screaming, so the natives kill him.

The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the natives killed him too.

Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies to heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says ‘Hey dude why did you laugh you could have gone back and told out families what had happened’.

The 2nd explorer replies, ‘Sorry I just couldn’t stop myself from laughing when I saw Ben coming down the hill with 10 watermelons.’

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

1. Start off with casual conversation.

2. Ask her questions, PERSONAL questions about herself and her lifestyle, and make sure to look her in the eye.

3. Do not initiate physical contact for the moment.

4. Figure out whether or not you want something from this girl from this stage, because it’s about to get good.

5. Give her a wink or a nudge and ask to see her room.

6. If she indicates that it’s upstairs, ALL THE BETTER.

7. Once you get upstairs, lay her down on the bed, manfully.

8. Your goal is right in front of you, but keep your cool.

9. Talk it over with her first. She’ll know what you need.

10. Trace your finger over your pant button, in slow, lazy circles.

11. Remove your pants gracefully. You may want to add a little dance.

12. Now she’s yours.

13. After unzipping her pants, pull slowly from her ankles until the pant is off, making sure not to bunch it; this will just make it more difficult to put on.

14. Start with either the right leg or the left leg.

15. Place your legs in the tubes of the pant, and pull up to your hips.

16. Zipper, button, and you’ve succeeded.

Tips

* If the fit is too tight, don’t worry. You’re still technically in them

via

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

8:15
Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30
Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45
Breakfast in bed, squeezed
orange juice and croissants

9:15
Soothing hot bath with
fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00
Light workout at club with
handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30
Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00
Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45
Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00
Shopping with friends.

3:00
Nap.

4:00
A dozen roses delivered by florist.
Card is from a secret admirer.

4:15
Light workout at club followed
by a gentle massage.

5:30
Pick outfit for dinner.
Primp before mirror.

7:30
Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00
Hot shower. Alone.

10:30
Make love.

11:00
Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15
Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

6:00
Alarm.

6:15
Blowjob.

6:30
Massive dump while
reading the sports section.

7:00
Breakfast. Filet Mignon,
eggs, toast and tea.

7:30
Limo arrives.

7:45
Bloody Mary en route to airport

8:15
Private jet to Augusta Georgia.

9:30
Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45
Play front nine at Augusta ,
finish 2 under par.

11:30 Blowjob

11:45
Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on
the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15
Blowjob.

12:30
Play back nine at Augusta ,
finish 4 under par.

2:15
Limo back to airport.
Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:20
Blowjob

2:30
Private jet to Nassau , Bahamas .
Nap.

3:15
Late afternoon fishing
excursion with topless female crew.

4:15
Blowjob

4:30
Catch world record light
tackle marlin – 1249 lbs.

5:00
Jet back home. En route,
get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00
Watch Sportscenter.

7:30
Dinner Lobster appetizers,
1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.

9:00
Relax after dinner with 1789
Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00
Have sex with two
18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00
Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed.

11:46
One last blowjob

11:59
Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart.
Watch the dog leave the room.

12:00
Laugh yourself to sleep

via Bored…Get Unbored!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, ‘Can I help you Sir ? ‘

‘Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr’, the man replies.

The cop asks, ‘Where was your car the last time you saw it? ‘

‘It wasss on the end of thisshh key’, the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, ‘Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself? ‘

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out…..

‘Holy shit! My girlfriend’s gone, too!!