FAIL Fun

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

8:15
Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30
Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45
Breakfast in bed, squeezed
orange juice and croissants

9:15
Soothing hot bath with
fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00
Light workout at club with
handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30
Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00
Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45
Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00
Shopping with friends.

3:00
Nap.

4:00
A dozen roses delivered by florist.
Card is from a secret admirer.

4:15
Light workout at club followed
by a gentle massage.

5:30
Pick outfit for dinner.
Primp before mirror.

7:30
Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00
Hot shower. Alone.

10:30
Make love.

11:00
Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15
Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

6:00
Alarm.

6:15
Blowjob.

6:30
Massive dump while
reading the sports section.

7:00
Breakfast. Filet Mignon,
eggs, toast and tea.

7:30
Limo arrives.

7:45
Bloody Mary en route to airport

8:15
Private jet to Augusta Georgia.

9:30
Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45
Play front nine at Augusta ,
finish 2 under par.

11:30 Blowjob

11:45
Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on
the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15
Blowjob.

12:30
Play back nine at Augusta ,
finish 4 under par.

2:15
Limo back to airport.
Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:20
Blowjob

2:30
Private jet to Nassau , Bahamas .
Nap.

3:15
Late afternoon fishing
excursion with topless female crew.

4:15
Blowjob

4:30
Catch world record light
tackle marlin – 1249 lbs.

5:00
Jet back home. En route,
get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00
Watch Sportscenter.

7:30
Dinner Lobster appetizers,
1963 Dom Perignon,20oz. New York strip.

9:00
Relax after dinner with 1789
Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00
Have sex with two
18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00
Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed.

11:46
One last blowjob

11:59
Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart.
Watch the dog leave the room.

12:00
Laugh yourself to sleep

via Bored…Get Unbored!

Danny was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars” she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them– it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my vife,” Danny answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” says Danny, “I didn’t either, ’til you shine that light in her face!”

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch.”

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, ‘Can I help you Sir ? ‘

‘Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr’, the man replies.

The cop asks, ‘Where was your car the last time you saw it? ‘

‘It wasss on the end of thisshh key’, the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man’s wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, ‘Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself? ‘

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out…..

‘Holy shit! My girlfriend’s gone, too!!

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?