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  • If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  • Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  • Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  • Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  • Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  • Give them your address, exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  • In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  • Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  • Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s Master of Puppets CD.
  • Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  • Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  • Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
  • Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  • Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  • Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  • Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  • Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  • Change your accent every three seconds.
  • Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  • Start your order with “I’d like. . .”. A little later, slap yourself and say, “No, I don’t.”
  • If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Okay, that’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
  • Rent a pizza.
  • Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  • Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  • Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  • Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
  • Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  • Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  • Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  • When they say, “What would you like?”–say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
  • Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  • Ask to see a menu.
  • Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  • Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  • Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  • Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, “Where was I? Who are you?”
  • Ask what the pizza place’s phone number is. Hang up, and call again.
  • Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  • Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
  • Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  • Start the conversation with “My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!”
  • Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  • Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  • Be vague in your order.
  • When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  • If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  • Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  • Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  • Put them on hold.
  • Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  • Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  • When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  • When you’re given the price, say, “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  • Order term life insurance.
  • When they say, “Will that be all?”–snicker and say, “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  • Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  • While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  • Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
  • Order a steamed pizza.
  • If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”

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