1. Blaming your farts on me….. not funny… not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for ‘the big snip’, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven’t you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who’s boss here! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up.
4. Make sure the fellow traveler who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
6. Then click here.

Finally, however, he came upon a sign. It said “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 15 miles.”

After passing it, he shook his head. ‘Must’ve been my mind playing tricks on me.’ But then he saw another sign. “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 10 miles.”

The man blinked and shrugged. It must be a real place. Another sign, “St. Mary’s House of Prostitution, 5 miles.”

By this time the guy’s been thinking about it and he’s getting horny, so when he sees a sign that says “St. Mary’s, turn here” along with a road leading off the highway he takes it.

He drives for a few minutes, then goes over a hill, and down on the other side of the hill is this huge, gorgeous cathedral. Lovely Victorian design, statuary, stained glass windows, the works. He pulls into the large parking lot and gets out, heading up to the front door.

After he knocks for a minute, the door opens and a older nun sticks her head out the front door. “Yes?” The man grins. “I was driving down the road and saw the signs for your chapel, and I was hoping to partake of your… services?” The nun smiles and nods. “Aaah. Yes, please, follow me, my son.”

The nun opens the door for him to enter, and then they spend 20 minutes walking through the cathedral, down through the bunks, the prayer rooms, the kitchen, past other nuns who smile and keep walking, back and forth and up and down and all over and just when the guy is completely lost by this point she stops in front of a door, and holds out an offering plate. “Place $200 into the plate, then close your eyes. I’ll open the door and close it behind you, then you can open your eyes and you’ll be there.”

By this point the guy’s horny as hell, so he places the $200 into the plate and closes his eyes. He hears the door open, and walks forward through the door, which he hears close and lock behind him. He opens his eyes, and he’s back outside in the parking lot. In front of him is a small sign: “You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Saint Mary’s. God bless you.”

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer. “You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, “May I help you?” she says. The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.”

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen
Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!….the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female…..

They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits.

The first guy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief says, shove them all up your ass without making a sound.

So the 1st guy gets 2 bananas in when he starts screaming, so the natives kill him.

The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the natives killed him too.

Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies to heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says ‘Hey dude why did you laugh you could have gone back and told out families what had happened’.

The 2nd explorer replies, ‘Sorry I just couldn’t stop myself from laughing when I saw Ben coming down the hill with 10 watermelons.’

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me – I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Rachel’s correct number and called her – I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again…

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re a scumbag!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ’scumbag’ next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ’scumbag’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a scumbag!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you’re a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…

But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
“Hello.”
“You’re a scumbag!” (But I didn’t hang up…)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.

There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now I feel a lot better…

via joe-ks

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Via Bits & Pieces

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.