FAIL Fun » Jokes

Coach and the Kid

FAIL Blog Fun — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 01:11:02 +0000

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’
The little boy nodded yes.

‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do
you understand all that?’
The little boy nodded again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?’
Again, the little boy nodded.

‘Good,’ said the coach. ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

Deputy and the Rabbit

FAIL Blog Fun — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:47:05 +0000

A man is seeking to join the Bloomfield, New Jersey’s Sheriff’s Office
The Deputy doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. ”
“Why the rabbit?”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

80 Year Old With a Pregnant 18 Year Old Bride

FAIL Blog Fun — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:13:18 +0000

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.

Tarzan Sex

FAIL Blog Fun — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 12:57:10 +0000

Sure-fire Redneck Pick-up Lines

FAIL Blog Fun — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 08:12:45 +0000

Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
Do you have a library card? Cuz I’d like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’
Woman – ‘WHAT?’
Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’
I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room…
Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND .. the best for last!
Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Quick Thinker

FAIL Blog Fun — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 02:54:16 +0000

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope….along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Boobs and Willies

FAIL Blog Fun — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 21:12:20 +0000

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes — dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’

Bee Sting

FAIL Blog Fun — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 20:31:04 +0000

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’

Wives

FAIL Blog Fun — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 13:55:51 +0000

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
-Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Anonymous

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?
-Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Anonymous

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
-Sam Kinison

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
-James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
-Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
-Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): My wife’s an angel!
Second Guy:.You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
-Anonymous

Conversations With A Penis at 3 Stages of Life

FAIL Blog Fun — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 07:24:34 +0000

Early Adolescence

Penis: HEY MAN, WHAT’S GOING ON?

Brain: Nothing, just calm down. I’m wearing sweatpants and we’re right in the middle of class.

Penis: BRO, LOOK AT ALL THESE CHICKS. LET’S HAVE SEX WITH THEM. ALL OF THEM.

Brain: We’re definitely not gonna do that.

Penis: YO THAT VOLCANO DIORAMA LOOKS LIKE A BOOB. WE SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH IT.

Brain: Please go back to sleep.

Penis: F*CK NO. I’M AMPED.

Brain: But I’ve gotta do a presentation. Everyone’s going to see you…

Penis: DON’T CARE.

Brain: Please, I’m begging you.

Penis: I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM.

Young Adulthood

Penis: Damn, your ex is looking pretty good tonight.

Brain: She’s crazy.

Penis: Crazy…IN THE SACK!

Brain: I’m not gonna hook up with her. Too much drama.

Penis: WE’LL SORT THAT SHIT OUT LATER.

Brain: No. I’ll sort it out later. You’ll just do whatever you want and leave me to deal with the consequences.

Penis: WHATEVER, MAN. STOP BEING GAY. WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?

Brain: Can’t we just find someone else?

Penis: I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE. BEND TO MY WILL.

Old Age

Brain: Come on, old buddy. You can do this. It’s my 40th wedding anniversary.

Penis: …Ugh.

Brain: Get up! Just this one time. Please.

Penis: Go away. I’m sleepy.

Brain: All I’m asking is for a few minutes.

Penis: With that old hag? That’s an eternity.

Brain: That’s my wife you’re talking about!

Penis: She bores me.

Brain: What if I think about someone else?

Penis: That could work. YEAH! LET’S DO THIS.

Brain: Great. OK, here we go.

Penis: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Brain: SON OF A BITCH.