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Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Kentucky. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. ‘You know what?’ says the 6 year old. ‘I think it’s about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ‘When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.’ The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ‘Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.’

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ‘You can stay there until I let you out!’

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’ I don’t know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

George and Margie get married and they are both virgins.

On there first night George starts to get undressed by taking off his shoes and socks. His toes are curled under. Margie asked him, ” George what happened to your toes”? George said, ” when I was a kid I had tolio” Margie says, “you mean polio” and he said “no tolio” Margie said, “I never heard of that”

He takes of his pants and he has a rash on both knees. Again she asks “what happened to your knees? “When I was a kid I had kneeasles and the rash never left. ” You mean measles” No kneeasles…. Never heard of that either.

As he takes off his shorts Margie said, “don’t tell me, you had small cox”

1. Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his ol’ man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me for sixteen years.”

2. Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, “My dad’s way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher’s mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!”

One of the other boys said, “Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!”

The last boy said, “Your dads don’t even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!”

3. A guy goes to his girlfriend’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get a couple of glasses of wine, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a small vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.” He goes, “Geez… oooh….I… ” She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

4. One night a man walked past his sons bed room and heard the little boy praying. Now this was very unusual so the man stopped to listen.”God Bless Mamma , Daddy , Grandma and tata Grandpa” said the little boy. The man then went to bed. the next day the Grandpa was dead on the floor the man thought it was weird but did not say anything.The next night the man listened again the little boy said “God Bless Mamma , Daddy , and TaTa Grandma.” The next day Sure enough they found Grandma Dead too. so the man listened once again “God Bless Mamma and TaTa Daddy.” Now the man was scared he did not sleep at all that night and skipped work and went to the doctor before daylight the next morning.he explained everything to the Doctor.The Doctor discovered nothing wrong With him . Then the man rushed home and before he could say anything his wife answered “HUNNY, i am so glad you are home this morning we found the milk man dead on the front steps!”

5. Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?” The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!”

6. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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