A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says:
“Oh no, I look like a pig”
“Yes and you also have soup all over you!”
Archive for the ‘Family’ Category
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen
Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!….the husband became 92
years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female…..
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy… if you explain the kids.”
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $1,000,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $1,000,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $1,000,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $1,000,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older brother if he’d have sex with Brad Pitt for $1,000,000.”
The boy asks his brother: “Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for $1,000,000?” The brother replies: “Definitely, it’s a million dollars!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, he said ‘Definitely, it’s a million dollars!’ ”
The father lets his son think about it for a day and then asks him what he has come up with.
The little boy answers: “Okay dad, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a faggot and a couple of whores.”
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’
’And what about the men?’ the minister asked.
’They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’
