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Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

ON HER THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the ‘product’ to the factory for a full refund.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the “Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. One you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words “clean” and “neat.” Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because “like I’m sure I’m going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use.” When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy & don’t have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These ‘others’ are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because “it is like so disgusting.” She doesn’t want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents”. Either order take-out food or just give her the money. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, “ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly, sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenage daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: “high,” and “ultra high.” Of course, YOUR daughter is “ultra high”. This means that whatever you do won’t be enough, and whatever you try, won’t work.

WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has “your” genes, for heaven’s sake! If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened, and as far as you are concerned, never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she’s actually still there – you just have to look for her. Go ahead, try it-you just might find her!

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes — dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker’s buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans over one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!” At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandpa, go home, you’re drunk!”

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen
Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic,
but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!….the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female…..

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
-Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Anonymous

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?
-Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Anonymous

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
-Sam Kinison

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
-James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
-Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once….
-Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): My wife’s an angel!
Second Guy:.You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
-Anonymous

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