FAIL Fun » Elderly

Keep the Old Motor Running

FAIL Blog Fun — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:04:46 +0000

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!” He responded “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil. This one’s black.”

Nudist Colony

FAIL Blog Fun — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 23:08:48 +0000

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer. “You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, “May I help you?” she says. The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.”

Viagra Jokes

FAIL Blog Fun — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 00:53:00 +0000

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040,there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

An Old Prospector

FAIL Blog Fun — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 10:40:18 +0000

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — and just never wanted to.’ A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don’t waste ammunition. 2. Don’t mess with old people

Patient Charts

FAIL Blog Fun — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 01:07:16 +0000

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
“On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.”
“The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.”
“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”
“Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

“The patient refused an autopsy.”
“The patient has no past history of suicides.”
“Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”
“Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”
“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
“She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
“She is numb from her toes down.”
“While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”
“The skin was moist and dry.”
“Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”
“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”
“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”
“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”
“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”
“Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.”
“Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”
“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.”
“By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better.”
“The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”
“When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”
“Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.”
“The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.”
“The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”

Via

A Good Joke For Mother's Day

FAIL Blog Fun — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:49:10 +0000

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’ ? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

Funny Grandma

FAIL Blog Fun — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:47:45 +0000

Sweet grandmother telephoned Mary Hitchcock Memorial Hospital. She timidly asked,

‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?’

The operator said, ‘I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name
and room number?’

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room
302.’

The operator replied, ‘Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.’

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, ‘Oh, I
have good news.

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’

The grandmother said, ‘Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.’

The operator replied, ‘You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?’

The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
shit.’

Senior Dress Code

FAIL Blog Fun — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:32:03 +0000

Many of us ‘Old Folks’ (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering
near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current
fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the
following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Mini skirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
Speedo’s and cellulite
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
Inline skates and a walker

And last but not least…

Thongs and Depends

Two Businessmen and the Senior

FAIL Blog Fun — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:31:02 +0000

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked “What are you sellin’ here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”

Grandma

FAIL Blog Fun — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:21:18 +0000

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She
writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma