FAIL Fun

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.

“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer. “You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, “May I help you?” she says. The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.”

Many of us ‘Old Folks’ (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering
near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current
fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the
following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures
• Mini skirts and support hose
• Ankle bracelets and corn pads
• Speedo’s and cellulite
• A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
• Inline skates and a walker

And last but not least…

• Thongs and Depends

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!” He responded “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil. This one’s black.”

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040,there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — and just never wanted to.’ A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

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The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don’t waste ammunition. 2. Don’t mess with old people