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Archive for the ‘Annoying’ Category

  • Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
  • Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?
  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  • Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  • Meow occasionally.
  • Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM” and back away slowly.
  • Say “Ding” at each floor.
  • Say “I wonder what all these do?” and push all the red buttons.
  • Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  • Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”
  • Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  • Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  • Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
  • Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
  • Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
  • Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
  • Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
  • When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
  • Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  • When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now… motion sickness!”
  • Start a sing-along.
  • If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
  • While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “Hide it…quick!” then whistle innocently.
  • Annouce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”

   A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight Attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the Flight Attendant..

   The busy Flight Attendant smiled, and said, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy said, ” Yes, she did.” “Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”…

  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  • In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  • Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
  • If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  • Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
  • Speak only in a “robot” voice.
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
  • Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
  • Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  • Sniffle incessantly.
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