- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
- Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- Meow occasionally.
- Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM” and back away slowly.
- Say “Ding” at each floor.
- Say “I wonder what all these do?” and push all the red buttons.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”
- Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
- Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
- Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
- Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
- Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
- Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
- Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
- When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now… motion sickness!”
- Start a sing-along.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
- While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “Hide it…quick!” then whistle innocently.
- Annouce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
Archive for the ‘Annoying’ Category
- At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
- Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
- Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
- Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophet Jimmy.”
- Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
- Don’t use any punctuation.
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
- Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in stall 3.”
- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
- Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
- Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
- Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!”
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
- Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”
- Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
- Every time you see a broom yell, “Honey, your mother is here!”
Duane received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
Duane tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Duane put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Duane was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
Duane was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “may I ask what did the chicken do?”
If you’re sitting next to someone on a plane who irritates you, try doing this:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up.
4. Make sure the fellow traveler who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
6. Then click here.
- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
- Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
