FAIL Fun » Annoying

Baby Planes

FAIL Blog Fun — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 15:29:45 +0000

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight Attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the Flight Attendant..

The busy Flight Attendant smiled, and said, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy said, ” Yes, she did.” “Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”

Funny Things To Do In An Elevator

Nic.Zamorano — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:21:34 +0000

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Meow occasionally.
Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM” and back away slowly.
Say “Ding” at each floor.
Say “I wonder what all these do?” and push all the red buttons.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, “I have new socks on.”
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now… motion sickness!”
Start a sing-along.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “Hide it…quick!” then whistle innocently.
Annouce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”

Jeepers Creepers! Pick-Up Lines That WORK!

Nic.Zamorano — Sat, 22 May 2010 18:20:31 +0000

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

Fast & Dirty

Nic.Zamorano — Thu, 20 May 2010 18:15:14 +0000

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something?

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: Whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargaling.

Q: What does the toothbrush say to the hair brush.
A: I get more head than you.

101 Ways to Annoy People

FAIL Blog Fun — Mon, 17 May 2010 03:44:04 +0000

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a “robot” voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog “Dog.”
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact..
Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

The Rude Parrot

FAIL Blog Fun — Sat, 15 May 2010 23:32:02 +0000

Duane received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

Duane tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Duane put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Duane was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

Duane was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “may I ask what did the chicken do?”

Funny Ways to Order a Pizza

FAIL Blog Fun — Thu, 06 May 2010 22:10:47 +0000

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s Master of Puppets CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Start your order with “I’d like. . .”. A little later, slap yourself and say, “No, I don’t.”
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Okay, that’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
Rent a pizza.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker’s voice.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
When they say, “What would you like?”–say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Ask to see a menu.
Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, “Where was I? Who are you?”
Ask what the pizza place’s phone number is. Hang up, and call again.
Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
Start the conversation with “My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!”
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say, “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Put them on hold.
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, “You just don’t get it, do you?”
When you’re given the price, say, “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
Order term life insurance.
When they say, “Will that be all?”–snicker and say, “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”
Order a steamed pizza.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”

Insanity

FAIL Blog Fun — Wed, 05 May 2010 21:05:50 +0000

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophet Jimmy.”
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don’t use any punctuation.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in stall 3.”
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!”
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”
Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
Every time you see a broom yell, “Honey, your mother is here!”

Well, Isn't That Precious?

FAIL Blog Fun — Sat, 01 May 2010 01:20:13 +0000

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.

“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”

The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a shit?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious”…