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Archive for the ‘Annoying’ Category

Let me spell my love for you S-T-A-L-K-E-R

If you ever want to see your children again, you’ll do what I want.

Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfed by you until I’m 20.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

Know what would look good on you? CRUTCHES

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

I have a fetish for feet, can I lick your toes?(if no) Please?!

Hi, I’m the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere – I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I dont want to come between you… or do I?

Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

If I’d follow you home, would you keep me?

Hey, lets go have sex with monkeys and rape their corpses.

Excuse me, I managed to notice that every time I pass you, a monster grows inside me called “bitch get in my car.” I just hope it doesn’t escape and make me call after it …

I only thought about you once today–I just never stopped.

I’m kind of new to this environment… can you show me the way to your apartment/house?

I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t deserve.

I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.

I would drag my balls through 200 yards of broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.

Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?

Why don’t you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

  • At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  • Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
  • Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  • Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophet Jimmy.”
  • Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
  • Don’t use any punctuation.
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
  • Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in stall 3.”
  • Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  • Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
  • Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
  • Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
  • When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!”
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
  • Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.”
  • Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  • Every time you see a broom yell, “Honey, your mother is here!”
  • If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  • Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  • Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  • Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  • Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  • Give them your address, exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
  • Click here to read more funny ways to order a pizza »

Duane received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

Duane tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Duane put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet. Duane was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

Duane was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “may I ask what did the chicken do?”

If you’re sitting next to someone on a plane who irritates you, try doing this:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up.
4. Make sure the fellow traveler who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
6. Then click here.

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