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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.”

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now.

“How in heavens name did you find that out?”

And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

And What you should say instead!

10. “You must play the trumpet because you sure made me horny!”

Why it’ll get you maced: Some girls are insecure about not being able to play a musical instrument. Don’t put them on the spot like that.

What you should’ve said: You have the ass of a great artist.

9. “Are you from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see!”

Why it’ll get you maced: It’s a tired line may as well put a lampshade on your head. And how many girls have you tried it on that were actually from Tennessee?

What you should’ve said: *Snap fingers, point at your crotch*

8. “Hi, I’ve been undressing you with my eyes all night long and I think it’s about time to see if I’m right.”

Why it’ll get you maced: No girl wants to hear that you’ve been mentally undressing them. It’s creepy. They deserve more respect than that.

What you should’ve said: “Nice dress, it’ll look great crumpled up in a plastic bag, and covered in blood.”

7. “You have pretty eyeballs. Of course, they’d be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s disrespectful. No girl likes to be talked down to, and no one, NO ONE has pretty balls. Even Brad Pitt’s look like two tiny hairy hanging inverted footballs with most of the air let out.

What you should’ve said: Nothing. Simply walk up to her, whip out your penis, and begin flapping it madly while singing, “Hello my baby, hello my darling!”

6. “You are the hottest thing since sunburn.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Girls hear that all the time. Be specific, compliment her hair, her purse, the way her dress or shoes match her eyes. Be original, and be a getleman.

What you should’ve said: “George Bush is hella stupid. But enough about politics. Let’s talk about your bush. I bet it’s hella stupid.”

5. “Congratulations! You’ve just been voted Most Beautiful Girl in this Room and the grand prize is a night with me!”

Why it’ll get you maced: Girls love winning prizes. Girls hate disappointment. And even though you think you’re a hell of a catch, she just got the first impression that you’re desperate. And corny. If you’re going to put yourself out there like that, be a bit more entertaining. Try a magic trick.

What you should’ve said: “I can move objects with my mind. But first, they must be thrown from my hand. Here, let me show you – is this your dog?”

4. “Is someone at the door or is that just my heart pounding at the sight of you?”

Why it’ll get you maced: You think you’re smooth, clever, and witty. In your mind, you’re George Clooney. In her mind, your that stereotypical greasy guy in a leisure suit, tiny mustache, and gold chain. Not cool. Yes, be witty, even funny, but if it ain’t from the heart, it’s just a bad pick-up line. Be honest for once.

What you should’ve said: “Of all the women in the bar, you looked to me like the most likely to f*ck a stranger. I believe that honesty is the most important part of a relationship. Ironic that I’m using these very words to try and trick you into sucking my wang.

3. “You’re so sweet I’m getting a cavity just looking at you.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s tired, it’s used, it’s corny, and you come off as some kind of pervert. You want to compliment her in an honest, open manner. You wouldn’t want a guy to use that line on your sister would you? Neither does she. Introduce yourself, tell her you think she’s attractive, in a positive, non-creepy way, and tell a funny little joke.

What you should’ve said: I’m the only guy in the room who’s drunk enough to not consider you hideous and grotesque. Let’s face it, I’m your best and only option, and If you ever cheat on me, I’ll kill you both. Do you understand me? Don’t look at the floor – look at me. Do you understand me?

2. “Two trains are leaving their stations at the same time. Both need to travel 1,000 miles. If train ‘A’ is going 95 miles per hour, and train ‘B’ is going 85 miles per hour, how long will it take for you to go out with me?”

Why it’ll get you maced: It’s just too long. You made a good effort, it’s witty, but in a loud club with the music thumping, by the third time she screams “what?!” she already lost interest, and the joke isn’t funny. Keep it short and sweet.

What you should’ve said: I want to f*ck you where farts come from. If you know what I mean.

1. “Hey, gorgeous! You’re so electrifying the power company is looking for you.”

Why it’ll get you maced: Again, it’s a tired line, and it’s such a random compliment that she knows it got cast more times than a fisherman’s hook without any bait. Personalize it. Be honest and open. Make it feel like the compliment was for her, and her alone.

What you should’ve said: “Do you ever have the feeling you’re being watched, Cheryl? Because you are. There will never be a time when you’re not being watched. I’m sorry about your pet’s passing. I know you didn’t mention Sparky.” *long stare*

Via the funny guys at Whip It Out Comedy!

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes

Why is air a lot like sex?
It’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What’s the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time…”
A Southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”
Click here to read more one liners »

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right – women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup – with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it….

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.. Would you like to buy them back?

Via

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